Ask Ron

Ask me anything…

Ask me about my childhood, my gay pet iguana Juan, the meaning of life, space and time… ask me for relationship advice, medical help, tell me a funny joke, write me a love letter. Whatever it is that you always wanted to know about Ron Johhnson, ask away, it’s anonymous and I will post my answers here.

Hi Ron, I was wondering how easy it is for you to catch a calf barehanded. I keep trying but I always fail… What are your favourite techniques? Maybe a brief summary of how you mentally prepare before the activity also? Any help is appreciated.
– Claudie, Repentigny, QC

Great question Claudie, it’s always nice to hear from an amateur calf-wrangler. This same question has been asked by many of my peers and the answer really comes down to mental preparation and lower deltoid strength. You see, calf-wrangling is an art more than anything. It’s not just about using your body, but about establishing a mental connection with the calf before making your first move. Now I’ll tell you the way that my grandpa Herk taught me, a ritual that has been passed down from generations of Johhnson’s.

You’ll want to star by drinking a large bottle of pine milk, this is to enhance abdominal strength and to launch you into a state of passive fury. Make sure you’re wearing your thickest denim and no shirt, as the calf will feel intimidated yet aroused by the bare skin, so the more torso the better. At this point, you are ready to approach your calf. Allow a minimum of 7 metres between yourself and the animal but be sure to maintain steady eye contact. If you don’t, the calf will lunge first and this is what you don’t want. When you are 2 metres away from the calf, whisper the phrase “I am the calf, and he is me” or “tortellini,” either one works. At this point your calf will seize up and lay down on all fours. Keep a semi-quadrant stance and pivot 87 degrees until your face is pressed into the back of his neck and your hands are stretched out in back of you like wings. This is where you have to move fast. The calf will spring into a full sprint, but you must keep your face pressed down into his neck and your kegs wrapped firmly around his body. Using your outstretched arms as wings, try to steer him into the nearest body of water. If none is available, fruit juice will suffice. Eventually the calf will tire out and you can swing one arm around his neck and the other around his lower torso. He will surrender once he feels your warm grasp, and at this point you have successfully wrangled the calf. Before moving on, make sure to sing him a 1980’s rock classic. They usually prefer Aerosmith, but I have encountered many calves with a preference for Def Leppard.

With enough practice this technique is fool-proof, it just takes extreme focus and a muscular midsection. I am currently teaching my son this technique so he can find himself a proper girlfriend within the next year. Nothing impresses a beautiful young lady like a seasoned calf-wrangler. Hope this was helpful.

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One thought on “Ask Ron

  1. Pingback: Unknown Mortal Orchestra – So Good at Being in Trouble | Ron Johhnson

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